I’ve got this disease where I can’t stop making airport puns.
Reveal Punchline
The doctor says it terminal.
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Reveal Punchline
Aye Matey!
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Dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. I will never forget his last words.
Reveal Punchline
Be positive.
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My kid called me an old man this morning.
Reveal Punchline
We laughed and laughed... then I changed the Wi-Fi password.
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Not to brag, but I just got hired as a fitness model...
Reveal Punchline
They're using me as the "before" picture.
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I was in bed and said "Hey Siri, why am I so bad with women?" She said
Reveal Punchline
"This is Alexa!"
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Man, I really love my furniture...
Reveal Punchline
me and my recliner go way back.
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I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad,...
Reveal Punchline
I take something for it.
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I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey,...
Reveal Punchline
but I turned myself around.
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Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle? Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question...
Reveal Punchline
dogs can't whistle.
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Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?
Reveal Punchline
It reads "Small medium at large."
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My wife said I was immature.
Reveal Punchline
So I told her to get out of my fort.
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Child: Dad, make me a sandwich.
Reveal Punchline
Dad: Poof! You're a sandwich.
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I used to think I was indecisive,...
Reveal Punchline
but now I'm not sure.
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A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks...
Reveal Punchline
"Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?"
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Hostess: Do you have a preference of where you sit?
Reveal Punchline
Dad: Down.
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When does a joke become a dad joke?
Reveal Punchline
When it becomes apparent.
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My little daughter came to me all excited, saying "Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in June!" "Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me?" I said.
Reveal Punchline
She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It's now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won't say where she got them.
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What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women, but they're not attracted to you?
Reveal Punchline
... Bi-yourself!
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Most dads only drink on days that start with T: Tuesday, Thursday,...
Reveal Punchline
Today, Tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday.
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I have two unwritten rules: 1. [blank] 2.
Reveal Punchline
[blank]
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It's a five-minute walk from my house to the bar but a 45-minute walk from the bar to my house...
Reveal Punchline
The difference is staggering!
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I warned my children about using their whistle inside the house and I gave them one last chance.
Reveal Punchline
Unfortunately, they blew it!
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Someone told me the other day I had a BO in my nose.
Reveal Punchline
I said it's not!
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I sympathize with batteries.
Reveal Punchline
I'm not included in anything either!
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Yesterday I was racking up to play pool with my son. He said "Dad, you want a break?
Reveal Punchline
" I said "Why? We just started!"
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I'm American and I'm sick of people telling us that America is the stupidest country in the world.
Reveal Punchline
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world!
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What's the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke?
Reveal Punchline
The first letter!
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My kids bought me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
Reveal Punchline
That was a rude awakening!
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