I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop signing "I'm A Believer"...
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Then I saw her face.
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.…
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She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights."
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My wife says I have two major faults: I don't...
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listen, and something else.
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My wife told me to pick up six cans of Sprite at the grocery store...
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When I got home, I realized I'd picked 7-Up!
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Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it...
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We had some drinks, cool guy, wants to be a web developer.
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My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
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So I packed up my stuff and right.
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My husband and I were happy for 20 years.
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And then we met.
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My wife left me because I'm too insecure and paranoid.…
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Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
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My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
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If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
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Last night my wife asked me, "Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"
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Apparently "It's just you" wasn't the right answer.
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My wife got pissed at me because I accidentally overcooked the ribeye last night...
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I told her we all make missed steaks.
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When your wife says she'll be home in five minutes, she will be.
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You don't have to remind her every 15 minutes!
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My wife said she was fed up with me always getting my directions...
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mixed up, so I packed my bags and right.
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My wife still thinks I'm sexy...
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Every time I walk by her, she says "What an ass!"
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My son asked me what it was like to be married, so I told him to leave me alone.
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And when he did, I asked, "Why are you ignoring me?"
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Last night I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick...
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She still isn't talking to me!
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For my wife's Christmas present, I took her to an orchard. We stared at trees for like a half an hour.
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Not the Apple watch she was expecting!
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My wife asked, "Why don't you treat me like you first treated me when we first started dating?
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" So I took her to dinner and a movie... and then dropped her off at her parents'!
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I always keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
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That way, it reminds me why I have no money in it!
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Told my wife her underwear was way too tight and too revealing.
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She said "Then wear your own!"
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times...
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I just let her sleep in!
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My wife has been putting glue over my rifle collection.
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She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns!
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I told my wife she needs to embrace her mistakes,...
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so she gave me a hug!
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I told my wife I'm building a model of Mount Everest.
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She said "Is it to scale?" I said "No, it's to look at!"
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I asked this old man "After 95 years, you still call your wife darling, honey, love - what's the secret?" He said
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"I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm afraid to ask her!"
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My wife told me to take out the spider instead of killing it. So I did!
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We had a few drinks - pretty nice guy, and he's a web developer!
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My wife's been so rude to me since I got a wheelchair.
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She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back!
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My wife asked "Why do you keep pushing all my buttons?"
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I said "It's impossible to find the mute button!"
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My wife is leaving me because I'm balding.
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It's fine, it's hair loss!
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I told my wife to stop drawing her eyebrows so high.
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She looks surprised!
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